Throughout life there’s often been times where I’ve wanted something. This something could of been an item of clothing etc which would have placed me in the box of being apart of the trend, the style, the crowd. Some of these ‘bullets‘ were things I was lucky enough to avoid so today I shall celebrate some of the more sinister bullets I was fortunate enough to avoid on my journey.
A Funeral – Coming from an environment where not a lot of people live past twenty five, I’m fortunate enough to not be the victim of a knifing, shooting, wrong place/wrong time, natural cause circumstance. I take into consideration that I could of died from post natal complications after birth so not only every birthday, but rather everyday, becomes ‘Khalid’s Still Alive Day‘. A lot of people can’t seem to understand why I bounce around with a smile on my face with a laid back easy going attitude but believe me, life’s too short to live a barren existence because you’re always busy and rushing around.
Billy Jean – It’s the nightmare of all nightmares to get that phone call out of nowhere telling you that you’ll become a father in nine month or you’ve already fathered a child. To even hear or see a pregnant ex partner or have your lady tell you she missed her period is enough to get you into a panic of mental calendar mathematics, friend of friends of friend type spying espionage intelligence operations, and the dreaded coping mechanism: imagining actually being a parent, which is hell in itself because sure you thought she was alright to date for a few months but parenting is different because the lil shit becomes your chain attaching you to the bish for life!
DNA tests are expensive and you don’t want to be the dude on Maury or Jeremy Kyle or Trisha or any other trash show that specialises in plastering the issues of every scum, addict riddled household on the planet, because you recklessly refused to take all of three seconds to slip on your Durex. Tut Tut to the lot of you!!! but if you’re lucky enough to dodge the Billy Jean bullet, always celebrate by playing the song on loop. I’m practically going to learn the dance and all sorts, not even for the just in case but for the fact that over the years my girlfriends have had those moments where they casually slip the
I’m feeling a bit weird this week, I was supposed to come on a few days ago but I haven’t…
This is kinda fucked because if you start ranting and raving, or you ask the ‘Pregnant‘ question straight away they’ll know you’re panicking. The best way to go about it is to remain calm and look out for signs like drowsiness, sickness, low energy and vomiting. I know you’re thinking
Right, that’s out the box isn’t it.
But try the flip out and panicking and you’ll be perceived as insensitive, which can be detrimental to you getting laid because she’ll realise that you never want to have kids with her which will then be the catalyst for her to ask further questions. Moral of this bullet is to keep your gun on safety but using condoms, your own condoms because some women are like Ronnie Mitchell and will pierce every pack in the draw to have a baby by the time they get to thirty in the hope they get a wedding, shotgun of course…
Ed Hardy/True Religion – I call this whole trend the drug dealer swag. I have not speculated nor considered rocking any of the these brands. They are so not me with all their vulgarity, besides they remind me too much of drug dealers and gangsters.
- Don’t rush around like a headless chicken, put your feet up, slow down the pace and live.
- Always play with your gun on safety until you do want to get married rather than having the shotgun ceremony in vain.
- Don’t dress like a drug dealing gangster to avoid extra police checks and unnecessary problems with perception.