Youtube 101: Become A Genius (In Ten Minutes)

It suddenly dawned on me that I officially finish university after I hand in my last assignment on friday. Since I’ll have a considerable amount of time on my hands, whilst I search for that elusive graduate position that pays a salary rather than getting sucked into a full-time retail position paying a pittance of an hourly rate, I should do some exercise and avoid piling on the pounds whilst watching bullshit daytime TV by taking a course at YouTube. The YouTube 101 is a ten minute course in absolutely anything you want to learn via the search bar. You can learn to sew, play a guitar, cook an omelette, speak another language, or check your lady friends tits for lumps.

Why pay for an expensive course at your local learning centre because you’ve got a part-time job, you’re over qualified, and you’d rather not be in the dole queue with all the local wasters and crackheads to make the concession or free option. More importantly you’d rather dodge the awkward encounter with that girl you went to school with, who was the hottest in the year and now has seven kids with seven different men. This lady in particular is never seen without her cheap counterfeit oversized designer frames, that have seen so much more better days, because she gets knocked about by her new partner Rob -a successful thug/criminal/local drug lord in the bygone era of his late teens, who after being released from a traumatic ten year jail term is a wasteman/alcoholic/whatever-the-fucking-drug-of-choice-at-the-time-of-raiding-the-savings-jar-and-deplating-his-womans-savings-account addict, who constantly walks up and down the high st trying to exchange Farley’s Rusks and SMA powdered milk in exchange for rocks.

Music 101 – How To Make Dubstep

Since I own a Macbook; Logic, NI Maschine, USB Controller Keyboard, Condenser Microphone, Tannoy Reveal Studio monitors, Numark Omni Control, Traktor Pro, I thought to myself that now would be a great time to get into music. Rather than make the oddities, and often freestyled in the bath concoctions, which were ‘Swaggalicious’ and ‘Foxy‘, maybe it’s time to get serious and put much more thought into what I’m about to do. Shall I take a course in Electronic music and burn a hole in my pocket in the process, or shall I head over to YouTube where there are 101’s in abundance?

As Dubstep is the closest thing to 140, my favourite tempo and home on Grime central, I thought I’d take a crash course in all things wobbling bass and half steppage.

I enjoyed this class because my tutor was hella-funny, he really rocked out, even introduced us to his cat Mr. Wibbles -or was it a mutt?

Food 101 – How To Make Muffins

Who likes Blueberry Muffins?

Khalid loves Blueberry Muffins!

Is it true?

Ummmhmmm… I do I do when I’m blu-hue!

If truth be told, I searched through clip after clip until I found a half decent tutor because I really didn’t want to cup a droopy set of muffins -I’d rather cup the perkiest of muffins as it goes. *funny ha-ha-ha-laff-a-whole-lot-of-self-joke-perversion-sarcy

Instrument 101 – How To Play Piano

I’m sure this muthafucker means well but he’s too fucking fast!!! I think I stepped into an advanced class. This tutorial is comparable to quantum physics…

Cocky bastard!

Vocal 101 – How To Sing Like Rhianna

I, like everyone else, am a mahooosive fan of Adele. I don’t own an album but I went to her concert because unlike all these ‘I’ll dance and have flashing lights and elaborate videos pr and all round fucked up stunts dress and visuals to distract you from the fact I can’t sing’ starlets, Adele can actually sing. I searched around for hours trying to find a course where I could learn to sing like Michael Jackson, Adele, Amy Winehouse, and whoever else is as far away from sounding average and strangled straing the voice cattish as possible, before encountering this beauty…

Listen muthafuckers!!! If I ever get my hands on a copy of this software in my leisurely summer of YouTube 101s, I’ll be a cross between Chris Brown, Kanye, Weezy, Rhianna, Tulisa, Dappy, and every other annoying twat who over exaggerates the usage. I swear to you all, I’d answer calls, texts, emails, bbm, skype, facetime and voicemail using autotune. I’d write my cv with melodyne, I’d even fucking tucking rucking clucking bombucking ucking kentucking… I really don’t know but I’d rinse that muthafucker dry! Whoever has a copy, send it my way because I don’t think I can justify paying money just to piss about. I’m not a cock!

Tech 101 – Quantum Computing

I dropped out of this class after twenty fucking seconds, I locked off as soon as I heard his voice, boring old fart! If you last the whole eleven minutes, I’d salute you every second of your poor, pathetic existence. This shit reminded me of my Access To Engineering course. I had a twat for a maths teacher and I actually wanted to slap him E-Honda style every monday morning in 2007-08. I passed with flying colours through perseverance, doesn’t mean I dislike arithmetic any less.

Fuck this BULLSHIT!!!

There’s some things you can learn from YouTube, and other things that end up winding you up and confusing the faaark out of you. By the time I got to the computing and maths classes, I actually wanted to punch the living daylights out of my laptop. I was soooo close to throwing it out of the window because I could not understand the language, I could just hear words upon words which meant nothing to me. I dislike overly technical things, especially arithmetic and the lingo.

NIGHTMARE IN TORTUOUS JIBBERISH!!!

I’ve learnt a valuable lesson today, and its made me realise that I’m open to so much things but I instantly lock off when something isn’t delivered in a way that I understand, hence me putting things into analogy as a way to visualise it. Introspection aside… Ima stick to the dubstep tutorials rather than try to be next Stephen Hawking. This ain’t called giving up, it’s called pouring energy into your strengths and what you’re passionate about by letting the mathematicians do their thing whilst I do me; creative wordsmith.

Until Next Time…

K O

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